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Eithne Egan is a
life coach specializing in helping women navigate life transitions
such as pregnancy, new motherhood, and special needs parenting. She
also coaches women around work/life balance, career changes, coping
with divorce, and single parenting. She is a graduate of Coach U,
and also works as a postpartum doula. In addition, she incorporates
the modalities of Reiki and flower essence therapy into her coaching
practice. She is passionate about helping women achieve balance,
joy, and perspective in their lives. If you would like to start
creating more balance in your life, visit my web site at
http://www.trueessencecoaching.net,
and sign up for my newsletter. |
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What will Everybody
think? How often have you uttered those words, or some form of them?
I recently read Martha Beck’s fabulous ‘Finding Your Own North
Star’, a must-read for anyone who is trying to live with a greater
sense of purpose and freedom. No matter how far down this road you
are, you’ll get some great tools, tips and insights in this
irreverent but wise book. Beck spends a couple of chapters focusing
on exercises to help you figure out whether you’re overriding your
own sense of judgment and inner knowing in order to fit in, get
approval, or avoid the disapproval (or worse) of others. The bad
news is most of us do this and miss opportunities to move ourselves
forward to greater self-awareness and empowerment, simply because we
are worried about what ‘Everybody’ will think. The good news is once
we start to take a look at who that Everybody really is, we usually
find out that we have nothing to fear.
So who’s your Everybody? As moms, many of us worry very much about
how we are perceived and judged as we make the thousands of
decisions, from the relatively small, minor choices (What’s for
dinner?) to the more difficult, sometimes gut-wrenching decisions
(Does Jimmy need therapy?), that come with the territory when you
become a parent. It seems that EVERYBODY out there knows how to make
all the right decisions with relative ease, the ones you’re
agonizing over daily, and worse still, if they knew how inept you
were....
The truth is, of course, that most moms feel inept at least some of
the time, and the ones that are judgmental towards others are
seriously lacking in the empathy and compassion department… and
probably dealing with some pretty sizeable insecurity issues too.
No-one you would really worry about impressing, right? When we
really look at who this Everybody is comprised of, it’s invariably a
bunch of idiots we’d never look to for advice anyway! Maybe your
Everybody is your mother-in-law or your great-aunt Ida or some
random stranger who was rude to you on the subway. On some level
you’ve internalized their disapproving glances or snide remarks
about your choice to breastfeed over bottle-feed or whatever… but
somehow that fear of disapproval and making waves that is so much a
part of human nature can weave its way into our decision-making and
our ability to make empowered decisions based on our own personal
sense of integrity, values and freedom.
Take some time to recognize who your Everybody really is. Once
you’ve identified these demons you can take back your own power, and
feel more free and at peace with your own decisions and choices as a
mother.
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The Essence Exercise
Next time you feel insecure or self-conscious about something you’re
doing or a decision you’re trying to make, try this simple exercise.
You’ll know you are deferring to your Everybody if your decision
doesn’t sit quite right with you, you don’t want to discuss it or
you’re secretly hoping no-one will ask you about it.
1. Try to identify the person or people you’re worried about. Say,
for example, you’ve chosen to keep your child out of pre-school for
another year, and you’re avoiding the topic with the moms at
playgroup. Is their one mom in particular you feel uncomfortable
around? Is there a history of unease here? Remember the person
you’re trying to identify may be someone from your past.
2. Once you’ve identified the person or people, make a list of the
attributes of that person that you admire. You may be surprised to
see that the list is very short. In fact, you may not be able to
think of any at all. This should get you one step closer to
realizing that your values are at odds with this person, and that
his or her approval should have no bearing on what you choose to do.
3. If there is an incident or situation in the past that is causing
your current unease, put it behind you. This may involve seeking
closure in some way either by confronting the person, or simply
visualizing a situation where you feel complete and at peace. Either
way, try to find a way to get clear of the past.
4. Identify some people you do admire and list some specific
qualities. This person doesn’t have to be someone you know
personally, but it should have some relevance to this situation. For
example, if you think Brooke Shields is a fantastic mom, jot down a
few notes about why you think so. Remember, you don’t have to
justify your sources of inspiration to anyone. If Marge Simpson is
your idol, that’s fine too. Just try to identify why.
5. Now sit with the original decision or situation you felt some
unease with once again. Does it feel any better? Why? If you feel
more at peace and at ease, then your choices are consistent with
your true essence. You’ve taken a great first step towards living in
integrity and building a great personal foundation that will serve
you as a parent.
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