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Now that
Labor Day has come and gone, all the kids should be out of
the house and back at school. But wait! What about your
emerging adult child who is still living with you, his or
her college degree neatly tucked away? Are you in the
midst of a replay of the big screen comedy “Failure to
Launch” and not finding it quite so funny? You're not alone.
Millions of fledgling adults, often called “kidults,”
have graduated from college but are not living independently
of their parents. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, 25%
of young adults between the ages of 18 and 34 still lived
with their parents. Young people are studying longer or
marrying later, postponing adulthood until around age 30.
Here's how this extended period of dependency can affect
relationships.
Steve remembers how he longed for those empty-nester days
once his son had moved home from college. He reflected
on the irony. “The guidelines our son wanted to discuss were
not the ones my wife and I had set down. He told us we were
not to tie up the computer or play with his dog. He also
wanted us to leave the bathroom fan off when we showered, so
the noise wouldn’t wake him up. We hardly got a chance to
talk about what we wanted.”
It's called triangulation, when your relationship as a
couple has to accommodate your emerging adult child.
What it often means is less privacy and spontaneity for you,
and a need to establish new patterns of interaction and
parenting.
As Beth realized: “We can’t treat her as if she’s a teenager
but we also don’t intend to lose sleep worrying about
whether she’s o.k. Unless we can agree on some reasonable
curfew, this living arrangement just isn’t going to work.”
Jill had been a single mom since her three children were
young teens. Once her last child went to college she felt
free to move in with her partner. “When my middle
daughter lost her job and could no longer afford to live
alone, I didn’t have the heart to say no to her. But with
the chaos that ensued, I soon regretted my decision. As I
recognized that my growing resentment was affecting all of
us, I took a stand. We defined the house rules, split up the
chores and set a deadline for her moving out. Now we try to
openly air the issues and our feelings.”
Like Jill, you can take a stand. Here are some more
ideas:
1. Establish areas of accountability and appropriate
boundaries. This can smooth day-to-day living; it
encourages some emotional detachment and the freedom to
reclaim your own lives.
2. Insist that your kidults face their own challenges.
At times “tough love” is the most effective support parents
can give. Jane’s son chose to move back home after his
divorce and expected his mother to handle his laundry,
shopping and cleaning the way his wife had. She knew he had
to learn to take care of himself, once again. “I insisted
that we set some things straight and that he take
responsibility for himself. We created a chart like the one
when the kids were in grade school. I have not backed down
and so far we are all still here, trying to make our
complicated situation work.”
3. Create a timetable for financial independence.
Financial assistance comes with a price for all - with
potential conflict around issues of co- dependency, control
and unsolicited advice. Jack commented, “Our daughter wants
to live rent free but won’t listen to our advice about how
to get back on her feet. Our plan is that she will be on her
own within six months, and we will stick to that.”
4. Commit to a concrete plan to move the family toward
common goals. This requires the willingness to work as a
team, with frequent discussions as well as some compromise.
When you put limits and deadlines into place, the result is
less conflict. According to a 2006 Money/ICR poll, 60% of
Americans believe that college graduates should be allowed
to move back home, but only for up to a year, and 57% state
that parents should charge them rent.
5. Find the right balance between offering support to
your offspring and taking care of yourselves. Sally and
Garry were enjoying spending time together when the last of
their children left home. These pleasures were short lived.
When their daughter separated and wanted to move back, they
initially felt that they couldn’t turn her away. It wasn’t
long before their patience wore thin, and they knew they had
no choice. “Our daughter got lazy. She wouldn’t look for
work and made little effort to help out. We eventually
insisted that she find other arrangements. We felt guilty
and spent a lot of time discussing our decision. But we have
waited forever for this period in our lives and we don’t
plan to miss it.”
6. Let go. Once you have done all you can to
prepare your boomerang kidults to be on their own, let go of
your resistance and act. Launching them is an
opportunity for all of you. Tap into your own passions and
begin to imagine the adventures that lie ahead.
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