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What do you see
when you look at your partner?
When Carmella looks at Rudy, she sees his insecurity
and withdrawal, which she does not find attractive. She sees
his neediness when he pouts over not having sex. She sees his
lack of motivation – he is not a go-getter. She sees his growing
potbelly, which is the result of a lack of exercise. As a result
of seeing all these “defects,” Carmella is thinking of leaving
Rudy. Instead of feeling loving toward Rudy, she finds herself
being more and more critical of him.
The problem is that Carmella is seeing only Rudy’s
outer self and his ego wounded self – the part of him that comes
from fear and false beliefs. But this is not who Rudy really is.
Carmella fell in love with Rudy because of his
sweetness, warmth, sensitivity, creativity, and sense of humor.
Rudy still has all of these wonderful qualities – they are who
he really is. Yet this is not what Carmella sees now when she
looks at Rudy.
Rather than just leave the relationship, Carmella and
Rudy sought my help. It soon became apparent that Carmella’s
intention in the relationship was far more focused on
controlling Rudy than on loving her self and him. Having an
innately sensitive nature, Rudy felt crushed by the criticism
and had learned to retreat to protect himself from the rejection
he so often experienced with Carmella. He loved her very much,
but he didn’t feel loved by her. When he tried to talk with her
about it, she just defended herself and attacked him even more.
Over time, he had learned to just withdraw.
Both Carmella and Rudy were intent on controlling
each other rather than being kind and caring to themselves and
each other. Carmella was trying to get Rudy to be more
assertive and motivated with her criticism, while Rudy was try
to have control over how Carmella felt about him by being quiet,
and was trying to control his pain with his withdrawn. Both of
their forms of control were causing problems in the
relationship.
“Carmella,” I said to her. “In any given moment, you
have the choice to look at Rudy and see his wounded self with
all his fears and insecurities, or you have the choice to see
his true Self, his essence. Rudy has a beautiful, sensitive,
caring, sweet essence. And he loves you very much. But in order
to fully express himself with you, he needs to be seen and
valued by you for all his wonderful qualities. As Alison
Armstrong states in her wonderful book, “Keys To The Kingdom,”
you are turning a prince into a frog.”
Then I spoke with Rudy. “Rudy, I really understand
that Carmella’s criticism of you feels devastating to you. But
withdrawing is not a loving way of taking care of your self.
Your inner child needs for you to speak up for him. When
Carmella is critical of you, instead of withdrawing, you need to
say something like, ‘This feels terrible. I hate it when you
treat me this way. I hate being criticized by you. I don’t like
it when you try to control me and get me to be the way you think
I should be.’ Carmella is not aware of being so critical, and
she is not aware of the effect her criticism is having on you.
You need to be willing to risk speaking up for yourself rather
than withdrawing.”
Both Carmella and Rudy agreed to practice being kind
to themselves and to each other. Carmella worked hard to see
the Rudy she fell in love with. Rudy started to speak up for
himself when Carmella was critical, and started to feel better
about him self as a result. Through the power of kindness to
themselves and each other, their relationship is healing.
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