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Rosemary
Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of
http://www.HermentorCenter.com,
a website dedicated to the issues of mid-life women and
http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com,
a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are co-authors of a
forthcoming book about Baby Boomer women and their family
relationships. As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of
collective private practice experience. |
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Have you ever
wondered how you can give back to your parents emotionally what
they have given you?
It was painful for Tricia, as her father declined in his 80’s.
“Dad and I shared such fun times together when I was young – he
taught me how to ride a horse, shoot a BB gun, ice skate, stand
on my head. He was always so active. Last year, I had to insist
that he not drive anymore. Now, seeing him shuffle around just
breaks my heart.”
It’s difficult to watch as your parents deteriorate. And they
may complicate the situation by being in denial about their
vulnerable condition. It’s up to you to acknowledge the true
state of affairs and be straightforward in dealing with their
increasing fragility. A number of issues must be discussed,
uncomfortable as that is - health care directives in an
emergency, long-term care options, a designated power of
attorney, the distribution of income and assets.
After evaluating the practical issues that need to be managed,
you will feel more in control as you gather detailed information
and make arrangements for the most immediate concerns. Like
Tricia, you can recall the good times and use some of the
following tips to help you plan and implement your caregiving:
1. Embrace the changes in your parents and respect their
integrity. Accept them at whatever stage they are, even as they
become less strong physically and mentally. Willa reminisced
about her Father. “He has always been my hero. As a child, I
felt safe with him because he was powerful in many ways. Now I
admire his courage and dignity, as he struggles with coming to
terms with end of life issues.”
2. Spend time learning more about your parent’s illness. Educate
yourself on what to expect and the resources available. Talk to
friends who have gone through similar experiences, in order to
get realistic feedback and concrete advice. Confront what you
can and let go of the rest.
3. Make sure that your parents are as involved in the
decision-making process as they can be. Moving out of their own
home may signify their loss of independence. This often creates
anger, frustration, or feelings of depression. Understanding
their pain and engaging a geriatric social worker or
gerontologist at this time can be helpful for everyone in the
family.
4. Don’t do it alone – secure help, even if it is over your
parents’ objections, and have support systems in place. Reach
out, create a network, hire someone to assist them as often as
you think is necessary. Betty was frantic about making
arrangements for her Dad after his stroke. “I was so relieved
when I was introduced to the hospital discharge planner. Her
expertise and kindness made the move to a rehabilitation center
almost bearable.” Make good use of community interventions,
respite care, support groups and adult caregiver resources.
5. Be forthright with your family. Engage your siblings in the
problems and the solutions. Ask for practical help and delegate
responsibilities. Have them set aside personal agendas and work
together toward collective goals.
6. Some nonprofit organizations nationwide offer free services
or financial grants for respite care for family members who
provide most of the care to their chronically ill elders. The
federal government, through the National Family Caregiver
Support Program, provided funds for respite care to over 190,000
families in 2004. To learn if there is a program in your local
community, go online to Eldercare.gov and look for the Eldercare
Locator, or call 1-800-677-1116.
7. See the present challenge as a teachable moment and make the
most of learning whatever you can. Apply these lessons to other
areas of your life. What insight have you gained about dealing
with your own aging process? How can you talk to your children
about your wishes when you become older?
8. Look for the positives in these tough times. Gloria was
learning a lot about herself as she cared for her Dad in the
last months of his life. “I had never really been tested like
this before. Sometimes caring for him seemed like more than I
could endure, but I kept going. Now I know how strong I can be.”
In the end, think less about what you’re losing and more about
the chance you may be gaining. This could be the only time in
your life that you have the opportunity to give back to your
parents emotionally what they have given to you.
9. As you discover more about developing your own capacity for
resiliency, you will find the way to nourish yourself. You may
call on your faith, your spirituality, or your sense of humor.
Rely on whatever sustains you during these most difficult
moments.
©
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com
, 2006
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